wombat_socho (wombat_socho) wrote,

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WTF am I doing?

This hurts a lot to write about, so if you don't want to read this move along. There's nothing else to see here.

The mood indicator is a pale reflection of the way I feel right now. Against my better judgment, motivated by God knows what obscure sense of honor and desire to do right, I will be visiting my ex tonight to try and explain to her why it is our daughter wants nothing to do with her. If I had any brains left between my ears, I would call Lois and tell her to figure it out herself - hell, she wouldn't even have to do much thinking, it's all out there in living bleeding color on our daughter's LJ for all the world to see, but my ex is one of those rare fans who doesn't have much of a life on the Net, whereas our daughter seems to spend a lot of her life online.

I have the sinking feeling that I am stepping back into a wilderness of mirrors, one that I only pulled myself out of recently. I am afraid that nothing I say will make any real impression on Lois since she has never admitted her responsibility for the Recent Unpleasantness and therefore can't see the effects it had on our daughter. I am terrified that there is still some part of me that wants to make my ex happy, even though I have done my best to root that part of me out and destroy it by any means short of having my brains scrambled by drugs or electric shock.

Worst of all, I don't know where all this fear is coming from. I was okay with this last night when I talked to Lois about it, I was okay with it this afternoon when I talked to my daughter about it (she doesn't think it'll accomplish anything, but she didn't object) but all of a sudden this afternoon I was depressed to the point of tears. Maybe the U2 wasn't such a good choice for background music at work today.
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