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The Drama Bible

For thaadd, to satisfy her curiosity; previously posted by jamestrainor, although when I first saw it I had no idea WTF he was talking about.


Genesis
(1)In the beginning CCP created the heavens. But Eve was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And TomB stood upon Yulai X and said, "Let there be light and dark, good and evil, but also shenanigans", and thus Goons came into being in Eve.
(2)And TomB said, "Let there be chat", and lo, Goons became able to speak to one another, and they were both blessed and cursed. For every prankeapple that Goons planted within the firmament would yield Comedy and Tragedy, hallmarks of drama.

Betrayal
(1)But in the First Age the Goons were young and the drama was small, until Istvaan, first Attention Whore of the Coming Dramabomb, heard the calling. And Istvaan said, "All your base" and began to plan a war against his fellow Goons, who were young and ignorant of the ways of drama.
(2)And to every newbie Istvaan fed the forbidden fruit of drama. He hired killers to attack the young Goons while he spied on Goons from within, shedding much blood in the name of Comedy, as was his wont. And behold, the war lasted but a few days, yet the drama was good.
(3)But two of the Goon Elders named Skira and Entarii revealed Istvaan as the snake in the grass, and so dozens of pages of wailing and lamentations and the gnashing of teeth filled the void of space, and the first Banning was held. Istvaan passed down into history, and then legend, and then myth. But always was Istvaan first amongst the Attention Whores, and his homoerotic fanfiction will survive until the End Times.

Rebirth
(1)Then came the time of the Waiting when the young Goons were scattered to the corners of the galaxy as ashes flung upon the wind. The universe passed into mundanity, until the seer Nightfreeze posted his stories of chicanery and prankapples in a far away land called SA. Many heard the stories of Nightfreeze and ventured forth, creating the Second Wave. At last the Waiting had ceased and a new age of Goons had arrived.
(2)Amongst these brave pioneers were the Four Engineers of the Dramabomb: Camador, Lord of the Killmail; Beepboop, Lord of the Broken Deal; Xeno Phanes, Lord of the Huge Mess, and DeathForMeh, Lord of the Typo.
(3)And verily many Goons became enamored with a Fountain corporation named Cold Fusion Inc. which offered them the riches of valuable ores in return for their loyalty. But the loyalty of DeathForMeh was put to the test, and he failed because he could not leave well enough alone, and made the leaders of CFI suspicious of all Goonkind. And one of the leaders bought a forums account and lo, beheld that Goons griped amongst themselves about his corporation, and thus they were ostracized and all but a few quit in desolation and despair.
(4)And Camador became a killer of internet men, posting relentlessly into the Sacred Channel all of his exploits, be they the destruction of a shuttle, the podding of a newbie, or the annihilation of an Ibis.
(5)Verily he was praised by all for his prowess but for Silverthorn, also known by Roger Dodger, also known by Eli Whitney, also known by a thousand other names.
(6)And Roger told Camador that nobody cared about his faggoty killmails, and Camador responded with "Fuck you" and demanded that Roger fight him in open combat in low security space, and most everyone agreed that Camador was becoming the Second Attention Whore of the ages.

Lords
(1)But as the killmails flooded the channel, a new idol was discovered by the good Xeno Phanes, who enticed other goons to join his Free State Project, which he prophecized would become the True Gooncorp. And many did join from the newer generation, but alas, it was not to be.
(2)One named Rem stole the ore of another while under the banner of the Free State Project, and war was threatened. One named Arkaidy tried to bribe the threatening corporation, but the ISK was taken and war declared anyway. The war could not be won, and so Free State Project withered on the vine and was no more.
(3)But Arkaidy believed that another GoonCorp might be made, and so enlisted several of his friends including Koek and Beepboop, and mined forthwith for hours and hours and hours so that they might create their own battleships. But they were all of them fooled, for Beepboop took his battleship early and laughed at Arkaidy and Arkaidy's hopes were crushed and his appendix exploded and he disappeared from Goondom for the next few ages.
(4)Soon Beepboop declared, "Fuck Goons" and was shunned and banned, creating the precedent of banning all Goons who might steal from other Goons in violation of Sacred Law. And Maximillian Kell came to prominence within GoonKind, but annoyed his fellow Goons, so that they placed a large bounty on his head which he tried to collect himself through an exploit, but the Hand of TomB took away his ill-gotten gains and Maximillian Kell promised to quit forever, only to return several months later.
(5)And hence, Xeno Phanes, Master of Spreadsheets, decided that he could become ridiculously wealthy by creating a cult of personality production corporation, and he was right. And almost all goons joined his Jewish bank, Yulai Financial, and many were enriched.
(6)And all was well when Istvaan, the First Attention Whore, came back from legend and declared a holy war upon Yulai Financial, because he had platinum pink hair and was a complete tosser.
(7)But Istvaan was unsuccessful, because Xeno Phanes was the most Jewish of all, and used cheap frigates and hired mercenaries to chase Istvaan's Guiding Hand Social Club away, and Istvaan reluctantly disappeared back to his lair to write fictional stories about how he was a pirate in space in an internet game.

Knaves
(1)And so it was that there was peace for a time, and little queerness except from the Lords of Drama. But Xeno Phanes tired of his role, and paid out his investment scheme, then took the proceeds and ebayed them, as was his wont. And then he bid fairwell and was gone forever, and legend says that he went to the land of Guild Wars, although it was mostly full of sailors and men named Lawrence.
(2)And so Rem, stealer of the Forbidden Ore, envisioned another GoonCorp, named the Leonard J. Crabs Legal Consortium. And behold, he created such, and many flocked to it under lure of prankapples and hilarity. But alas, it was not to be, for the region of Syndicate to which they moved was most hostile.
(3)The one Goon named Candy, who belonged to a corp named DNA that lived in Syndicate sent spies into the LJC, and they wrought destruction from within, though the LJC Goons could barely afford the frigates they flew. Soon many people tired of LJC, and the effort was abandoned.
(4)And so it was that Camador went and dwelt with the pirate group 206 in the land of Syndicate, but when 206 allied with Roger and the Leonard J. Crabs Legal Consortium, Camador whined and whined until 206 banned him from their sight and lo, Camador quit Eve after giving his account away. And thus passed another Lord of Drama from Goonkind.
(5)But after this one named Aliksr emerged as the Second Master of Spreadsheets, who proposed the next generation of YF in a corporate utopia in Empire. Not even the one named SA TKperson, who stole many millions of ISK from Aliksr while trusted with a Holy Hauler, could dent the profits of Aliksr's plannings. SA TKperson was exiled to Jita forevermore, cursed to run Agent Missions forever friendless, screaming at newbies to get out of the way while he shot rats near busy gates.
(6)And verily Aliksr did create an incredible behemoth of production, enriching others through his investments and dividends. And Aliksr grew to legendary status, third only after Istvaan and Xeno Phanes, and was hailed as a Prophet.

Exodus
(1)Thusly Goons entered the Second Age, but drama would not yet leave Goonkind. The remnants of Yulai Financial, Law and Disorder, and other Goons decided to form another GoonCorp named Awful Industries, and there was drama in every niche.
(2)Drama came from deciding the name from Entarii and Roger and Rem and Aliksr who eventually changed the name to Red Hammer Industries, and drama came in deciding what alliance to join, and drama came in assigning corporate roles, and drama came when FIX was chosen as the alliance to which to apply, and drama came when Red Hammer Industries attempted to prove their worth at the A-2 gate for FIX, but nearly all were slaughtered, and drama came when FIX declared that they didn't care about Red Hammer and FIX were revealed as harbingers of the dreaded furries, and FIX was declared queer as a three dollar bill.
(3)And the one named Roger suggested that Goons go to the corporation named Northern Intelligence, enshrining his reputation as the Lord of Bad Advice, for many goons did go, but it became obvious that NoInt was run by teenage morons, specifically one named Admiral Iceblock. And Admiral Iceblock made Goonkind miserable, because he was capricious and suspicious, but mostly gay like Liberace.
(4)And so Goons took vengeance upon Admiral Iceblock, and NoInt was kicked to Empire by the Stain leadership, because they too realized too that he was a turdburglar of unimaginable proportions.
(5)And so time passed with the comings and goings of Goon drama, and goons entered into a time of wealth, out of which even more drama would be brought forth. And some Goons went and formed the Retirement Home, out of which much griefing of miners and newbies would flow. And yet some other Goons went and formed a communal mining society named Hermitage in low security space, but both corporations would find ruin in drama.
(6)For Slarty Bardfast, the Slayer of Pods, was at first pleased with the work that Entarii and Arkanh and Dio and Rem had wrought upon hapless newbies, but grew angry over foolish mistakes that Arkanh and Dio made one day, and he dissolved the Retirement Home with his wrath and joined another pirate corp named DNA.
(7)Hermitage was too at first successful, but then became burdened with apathy, and the one named Maximillian Kell was possessed by the memory of Istvaan and hired mercenaries and destroyed it from within, because he thought it would be funny. But Goonkind would not find out about Max's betrayal for months, and meanwhile the one named St. Shala annoyed everybody possible with his incessant trolling, whining and juvenile insults. And though he was amusing from a distance, he caught the gay and he eventually lashed out at every Goon possible and threatened that "YOUR POS WILL BURN" on various forums with great spam and anguish, but instead he was just banned and forgotten after Goons found a Dominix that he had forgotten about in a lost safespot and stole from him, for great justice.
(8)And hence there was much drama forthwith between the remnants of Hermitage. And so GoonKind made its dejected way back to Empire from the outstretches of low security.

Tribulations
(1)But hope was given anew that Goons might find a home in Stain again, and many goons flocked to Eldar Imperium, which was considerably less inclined towards mansex than NoInt. But alas, the CEO of EI, Matrixxx, turned out to be an angsty possessive teenager like Admiral Iceblock, and ruined it for everyone by collaborating with the enemies of Stain. And when Goons tried to leave, he granted and regranted them roles so that they were trapped in his corporation, and they had to petition to almighty TomB to release them from their enslavement, which he eventually got around to doing after posting about how great Titans would be when they came out in 2009.
(2)And so Max proclaimed that Goonkind needed a corp of their own in Stain, and thus the LJC was reborn as a Stain trial corporation, and goons flocked to it as they do to any incarnation of the original GoonCorp. And for a time things went well, but a combination of asshattery from Max and DFM would eventually cause Stain to distrust LJC because both of them attracted drama like shit attracts flies and Girlmecha attracts ham sandwiches. And hence, between attempting to sell Player Owned Stations to the enemies of Stain, posting misleading screenshots to incriminate each other, and anal intercourse, both DFM and Max were shunned from most of Goonkind, except for a scant few who still believed them to be normal people and not absolute wankers.

Revelations
(1)And hence it was decided that the next GoonCorp named Lordless should reside in Empire, and Kage Getsu, Tolerator of Goons suddenly became CEO and his first act was to appoint Itanis, King of Nerds and DeathForMeh, Lord of the Typo as his directors. And Rem joined and encouraged others to join, and much fun was had in pranking miners and haulers and taking their stuff, especially in overly elaborate schemes that paid terribly but were hilarious. And Lordless grew to a sizeable stature, but Rem began to hate Itanis and DeathForMeh, and so left temporarily to join DNA with Slarty and Entarii, and Lordless became quiet once more.
(2)But DNA was not the place for Rem as it was not the place for Dio and others, and Dio lost his battleship to a DNA prank and Rem called an Austrian DNA member a Nazi and was booted. And so Slarty and Entarii remained in DNA but Rem came back to Lordless and much fun was had in raiding Fountain Alliance and griefing corps left and right.
(3)And the sometimes brilliant Dio came up with the idea of setting up a Player Owned Station in low security space to lure unsuspecting victims to. And Rem setup fake bookmarks and sold them on the market to fool people into getting close to the station, which appeared to come in peace, but its true orders were to shoot to kill. And over a hundred deaths were attributed to the POS, which the humble Yeep immortalized on a killboard.
(4)But soon Kage decided to let non-Goons into the corp and told everybody that they would be moving out of Empire, and despite protests he made Roger a director in the corp and asserted that he was the King of Kings. And so there was a revolt with bannings and unbannings, but when the smoke cleared Kage Getsu was no longer the Tolerator of Goons but was now the Hater of Goons, Lordless was disbanded and Kage vowed revenge for his corp being taken from him.
(5)And he and a Goon named Citzno tried to have former Lordless members killed in Fountain but were incompetent and Goonkind found out about it, relegating them to the Asshole Hall of Fame where such notables as BeepBoop and Istvaan were prominently featured for their faggotry.
(6)And Aliksr the Second Master of Spreadsheets did disappear for awhile to the mystery of all, but returned some months later with the news that he was retiring from production. And such was his self-sacrifice that Aliksr did not make a profit for himself, and despite months and months of hard work, paid his own ISK out to his investors and went penniless amongst the stars, the last honest moneychanger.
(7)And thus Aliksr became the greatest of all Goons that had yet come to Eve, for he judged neither SA TKperson the Lowly, nor Entarii the Haughty, and treated all Goons with respect and decency, so that others might someday see clearly the light of a True Gooncorp through the clouds of Drama. But that day had not yet come, and so Goons entered the Third Age.

(this is the end of Lordless, and marks when Remedial went to Shinra with some other Goons, which eventually he left and came back to found GoonFleet, and the rest is history).

From the GoonFleet wiki.

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Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
thaadd
Apr. 16th, 2007 10:53 pm (UTC)
Amusing, and well written, but I think the gay jokes really drive the age level down alot.
wombat_socho
Apr. 17th, 2007 12:03 am (UTC)
Yeah, it does read like something written by a high school kid, doesn't it?
When you interpolate it with Remedial's account of the repeated attempts to get a Goon corporation to succeed and survive in the next post, you can sense the anger, bitterness and frustration underlying all the jokes about butt sex.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )