I tell people that I bent over backwards to avoid saying anything bad about my wife to the kids after she moved out, because I didn't want to play that game.
In the end it doesn't seem to really matter. My son can't see her defects and I'm afraid my daughter can't see her good side. It probably doesn't help that most of the people my daughter knows who have met the ex either can't stand the woman or are friends of mine from down home - and most of them, it turns out now, knew her before she and I met. Suffice it to say she doesn't exactly have a good reputation among Washington-area fans, at least not in my generation.
Today the ex went over to my daughter's place to find out what all is going on with her, since my daughter (like me) avoids talking to the woman as much as possible. It blew up pretty badly. Daughter and fiance were polite but not welcoming and not at all forthcoming, and I gather my ex spent about ten minutes crying in their stairwell before leaving the premises.
Now my kids are at each others' throats. Again. The easy way out would be to say "Well, they're all adults, they can sort it out on their own," but that doesn't feel right. OTOH, I can't think of anything I could really say to my son to get him to understand why his sister reviles Mother in at least 57 different ways. Nor can I really prod my daughter to drop the nearly automatic cold hostility she puts on whenever she deals with her mother. Anything I could say would probably make things worse, and for that matter this post will probably get both of them even more amped up than they already are. The LJ is for getting things of your chest, though, and who knows? Maybe once they calm down the kids will talk to each other. It could happen. However, since my daughter sees her mother acting increasingly like her late grandmother - who was infamous for playing favorites, to my daughter's disadvantage - I'm not real hopeful.