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So why am I so full of rage after reading this little gem? I swear, I haven't been so angry since the election. Maybe it's because I'm old, bitter and cynical. For what it's worth, I've learned a few things in my life and feel the urge to lay them out for others to benefit from. Or not. Nobody's making you click the link.

Part of what set me off was that some miserable, whining, self-pitying dork actually wrote this and posted it for God and everybody to read. Every guy in the civilized world knows that stuff like this goes on all the time, and we also know that there's no point in complaining about it. Women, like the rest of the human species, are broken. Whether the broken part is mental, emotional, physical, spiritual or some combination of the above is immaterial. When you look at a woman, the chance of her being broken in some way is about 99.99%. Oh, it may not be a fatal error in her systems - it may be something as trivial as not liking sushi or insisting that you have to be the one in the relationship that kills all the spiders - but ain't nobody in this world that's perfect. Which is how we get around to these women that do all this stupid stuff, and the guys that let them do it. Based on my admittedly limited and often wretched experience, and the equally wretched experiences of friends, I have come to the conclusion that there are exactly two conditions under which men and women will be friends: when both of you have agreed that there ain't gonna be no sex in the relationship, and when neither of you have made up your mind where the relationship is going. In the first case, life is going to be a lot easier because the sex is off the table and so is all the stress that goes with it. You can just be your own natural nasty selves and talk about any old thing because you both know that while you may occasionally be sleeping together, it's just sleep and no sex is ever going to occur.

In the second case, you have trouble in River City, and the only question is when it's going to cut loose. See, most guys have all the communication skills of a rock, which is why we hate and/or admire guys like Bill Clinton who have the smooth talking down to a fine art. 95% of us are never going to be that articulate even if you hold a gun to our heads. So we muddle along, doing all these nice things for our ladies and hoping they'll pick up on the fact that we're doing all these nice, considerate, white knight kind of things and realize that we do all these things because we love them. Of course, 95% of the time that doesn't happen, and so we wind up going to a lot of crappy places and being in awkward situations as a result, and then the girl of our dreams goes off and marries a petrogeologist.

Many gallons of alcohol and months of brooding later, boys, you arrive at a state of mind where you will jump at the first minimally attractive woman who expresses interest in you. You will do anything for this woman, because at this point you have become convinced that if you don't seize whatever opportunity presents itself, you are going to wind up old, bitter and lonely. (Nobody wants to be lonely. Alone, yes, sometimes, but nobody wants to be lonely.) Things will go well for a while, because most people like positive attention, and maybe things will work out in the long term. So much the better for you if they do. On the other hand, because people are broken, the odds are pretty good that sooner or later you're going to find out things about your beloved that rub you the wrong way, or vice versa. Or both. Or, things that weren't a big deal in the beginning of the relationship grow and fester over time and eventually become Major Fucking Problems that require help from friends, family, shrinks, priests, marriage counseling and finally, when it becomes painfully & horribly evident that the broken part cannot or will not be fixed, the lawyers.

Which is how we got what we have here today. I am not a unique case; there are undoubtedly other guys out there with not much going for them but average looks, a good work ethic, and the minimal ability to get along with people. The lucky ones got married to their high school sweethearts and made it work; the unlucky ones wound up either all by themselves heading into middle age, or, worse yet, recovering from one or more relationships that blowed up real good.

That's why I'm not a nice guy any more, at least as described in that little essay. Being that kind of a nice guy is stupid and self-destructive, and anyone that thinks they're going to be rewarded in this world for that kind of selfless, indulgent behavior needs to get a clue and/or a brain implant. Being a nice guy, in the terms described, means willingly subjecting yourself to uncomfortable, awkward, unpleasant and embarrassing situations purely to help someone else out. Somebody who asks that of you isn't much of a friend if they do that sort of thing to you more than once, and anybody who allows themselves to be used like that is a sucker and a fool. People who expect to be requited for being suckers and fools are going to be waiting a long time, and should expect to get laughed at a lot by the people they think they're helping.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be polite, helpful, and chivalrous, but you have to be able to see when you're being taken advantage of and stop that shit cold. Otherwise you're just shooting yourself in the foot, emotionally speaking, and I just don't have any sympathy for that.

Ladies, be advised that teasing the dogs is not a good idea in the long term. Mess with them long enough, they get mean, and even a poodle will take your hand off if you push it far enough. Men have a lot in common with dogs, if you know what I mean and I think you do. So keep that in mind the next time you get the notion to drag your man friend along to a party and make him pose as your boyfriend, or some other such stupid thing. Dawg might just decide it's time to draw blood.

Thus endeth the lesson.


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 7th, 2005 06:22 am (UTC)
Fucking SIGNED.
Jan. 7th, 2005 02:49 pm (UTC)
Jan. 7th, 2005 04:00 pm (UTC)
Damn, I found that "here's to the nice guys" thing offensive! I can see what torked you off and I agree.

The proper answer to a woman so self-involved is "grow up, bitch."
The proper answer to a man moaning about how nice he is to such a woman is "grow a spine, wimp."

Ick! But then, I'm judgmental.
Jan. 7th, 2005 05:30 pm (UTC)
The proper answer to a woman so self-involved is "grow up, bitch."
The proper answer to a man moaning about how nice he is to such a woman is "grow a spine, wimp."


Ick! But then, I'm judgmental.

You say that like it's a bad thing. ^_^
I'd much rather deal with somebody who calls it as she sees it (even if she doesn't agree with me) than somebody who's all, "Oh, that's different."
Jan. 7th, 2005 05:41 pm (UTC)
I like to think of myself as a nice guy. I'm there for my friends, and I will bend over backwards to help them out. But yeah, the doormat thing just doesn't work.

Don't get me wrong. I think there are times when some of the things listed in that essay are good things. Helping someone who's breaking down - good. Lying to them and telling them everything's alright and the fuckwad they're with is good for them - bad.

If you're only listening to them and helping them because you're hoping for a chance to score, you are NOT a nice guy. If you only do this shit to help your female friends with whom you one day hope to catch a glimpse into their pants, you are a shallow, lying, deceitful prick who needs castration.

And if you're leaning on a guy because you know he'll give you sympathy and facilitate the bad things you're doing or involved in, you're no better. And possibly worse.

I could probably go into more details, but I won't. And not just because I'm supposed to be working. I believe in helping, and that's what people many times should to do for each other. But as the grand poo-bah of Wombats has decreed, we're all broken somehow. We should help each other, but when we're just pretending to help others so we can try and help ourselves, sooner or later it goes beyond broken - it shatters.
Jan. 7th, 2005 05:49 pm (UTC)
But as the grand poo-bah of Wombats has decreed, we're all broken somehow. We should help each other, but when we're just pretending to help others so we can try and help ourselves, sooner or later it goes beyond broken - it shatters.

Actually I can't take credit for that chunk of wisdom - it's fundamental to Catholic beliefs about the nature of man. Intent and motive are important things to look at. Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons can really screw you up in the long term, and in relationships the long term sometimes isn't that long.
Jan. 11th, 2005 04:54 pm (UTC)
Sorry it took me a while to respond.....
Don't you think nice girls get this same shit? Or girls who are outgoing and men run in terror from them???

I think all human beings are broken. I feel the ones that have learned from their mistakes and learned a good lesson & wade back in again for more, are the truly brave ones......

I would write more but I am actually working today:)
Jan. 12th, 2005 02:54 am (UTC)
Re: Sorry it took me a while to respond.....
Never said the same thing didn't apply to the distaff side of the house. I think it's not as common, since women aren't encouraged to act like that and men aren't prone to let women who do stay unattached for long. I personally have only seen it once, and in that case the guy had major headspace problems. Girl became involved with someone else a few months later.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )



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